Thursday, June 23, 2005

ok...i m done with my thursday night 2 hrs of teevee...lost n OC...haha....i had a pretty average day...yesterday i cramped my left leg...now i cramped my right...beckhamed a ball to kingdom come....wads new in the life of nic tan....guess nothing much unless some extra terrestrial landed on my doorstep...nah...nothing new....u noe its like 3 weeks ago...i experienced something....n till den i so wanted to make it part of my saturday routine...but all earth and hell seems to be stopping me...i noe its happy me n me happy...nic tan and his new lame joke n me always smiling but thts all it appears to be... there r stuff bugging me...i m just so scared sometimes...tht i wanna spend time with God and i wanna do my studies...but i m so afraid...u noe....i told everyone i didnt study at 1st with the thought if deceiving them tht i was some moron hu doesnt care bout my Os but den again....i seem to hav instilled tht in my mindset...havent realli been studying much....n when my dad asked me how was my revison...i just cant help but think how many ppl will i let down...my parents...my uncle hu placed the wagger on me...my cell leader...n most importantly...myself...i dunno....but no matter how much i noe...it just never gets me to study down n do wad i realli hav to...june is realli coming to an end...n i already had the disappointment of not going where i wanted to go...but 4 years later from tht time....i seem to be going down the same path...sigh...i m realli worried for myself....

den my new found place...wad i feel to be a family...not tht i didnt hav one...but its different u noe...its like having one entire new group of siblings...thts how i felt it to be....where got one da jie da and she looks after all of us...n it realli been long since a experienced such warmness n ppl hu do care n not fill their mouths with swearing n sick thoughts...i dunno...n i just feel the presence too....tht comforts me....the is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...n since i had tht experience...it was just great...it was the best i hav ever had this month...from the 1st time to the extraordinary to the 2nd time...i just feels so great...i dun wanna give it up...i dun wanna be plucked away from it...but as much as my mom is a christian and wants the best for me...somewhere...i just feel like she doesnt understand...maybe its cus i cant even find myself...its like she just doesnt get tht i like studying with ppl around me n has tht misconception tht i would go out to have fun...but den again...studying is important...bearing tht in mind...i just dun understand y i cant seem to maintain my concentration when i m all alone....my mind drifts off to computor...television....my mp3 player....even glaring out of the window is much more appealing...somehow...i feel like the limit is myself...but i wish it was just tht...there seems to be so many more limits and obstacles....tht as soon as a leap over one...theres a higher one for me...i wanna live a life free from wad everyone around me is doing...it seems hard cus they r having it so much better...i wanna do wads right but it means i get left behind...i dunno...i just feel tht while i love going to the his house n be in his courts...i need to fulfil my responsbililties....as a student...as a son...but i m not realli doing tht...i wish i could find the balance n the time for wads important in my life....n wads a drag and a chain...i wish i could just cast away...i wanna be free.....

|cowpoo| 11:44 PM|

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